depressio

Where do i start?
First of all…my condolences go with Robin Williams friends and family.
depression is like any other mental condition what with its invisibility and various levels ranging from sadness to manic depression or bi-polar etc.
My mum has manic depression and tried to kill herself several times including during my gestation and beyond. My estranged dad has some kind of severe depression aswell…apparently he’s locked up in a psychiatric ward or similar at the moment.
Plenty of my friends have internal struggles of varying degrees; and some of them have turned to drugs (including myself) for self medication.
Notice that they had problems beforehand.
Drugs didn’t cause the problems but sometimes they exacerbate them.
Some found solace in alcohol, some in weed and some in various powders. And some tried all three.
A 50 year study is finding that most ‘schizos’ didn’t have mental problems until they started smoking tobacco (that and alcohol are the two worst ‘gateway’ drugs around).
People say I should quit weed as if it’s a problem but I’ve been down since I was 8 or 10 years old. That’s long before I started smoking.
“I’ve been down so very damn long…that it looks like up to me.”
That’s a great lyric by Jim Morrison who died due to depression and hard drugs at the young age of 27.
What causes depression?
I only know what makes me depressed and it makes me depressed all the more.
Stupid First World Problems.
Why can’t I cheer up?
“God knows as your dog knows…life is killing you” that one’s by B Sabbath.
As I was growing up, listening to my mums problems, I could understand her already; I even understood Sabbath and Floyd and others as if I had been there. They became my councillors, letting my young self know that my family wasn’t alone with its problems.
My friends don’t always understand me but thankfully they always listen.
I’m very grateful for my friends.
“One hand washes the other” is a saying I grew up with.
My depression is a lowly one. Unlike bi-polar I never seem to get the highs.
I never seem to have energy unless there’s a long walk or bike ride. They’re conducive to introspection.
Fukk the washing up. Have you read my Bitching Kitchen Blues? I would rather do anything than wash dishes. It keeps me awake at night.
A friend said that if I spend half hour doing the dishes then I will sleep easier. I know he’s right but somehow I can’t bring myself to until I run out of dishes. Even then it’s a punishment.
Maybe it’s because washing up was a punishment as a child. Who cares? I pretend not to.
I’ve become very apathetic lately…and lethargic. Fukk everything that isn’t important. Fukk the dishes, the bills, the hollow friends, the bike rides and books.
Fukk God aswell…this is all his past-time, his sport, his rasa-lila.
Fukk dharma and fuck kharma too. Right up it’s automatic inspection hole. 😉
I’m not being serious but neither am i joking.
I can never understand suicide though. My luck is that I would be reborn as a creature or human with Real problems 🙂
Who knows why we are born or what is instore for us?
There is a plan for each of us and perhaps I will find my purpose in another 50 years or so 🙂 I can wait patiently with an occasional moan or gripe 🙂
Anyway I gotta go because a friend with Real problems has arrived. Perhaps this is my purpose.
GLB

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