Tag Archives: thoughts

a strange dream

i’ve been struggling lately.
just when i was recovering, i lost a pouch of tobacco, which isn’t expensive but enough to tip me over. saturday i survived on toast until i collected my daughter n ate her scraps at my mums house.
anyway. so theres me, ‘dying’ of lack of tobacco etc, waiting for today to arrive; payday.
you would think i’m dreaming of food or tobacco. but you would be wrong, i dreamt about a paedophile.
in my dream, me and my daughter are walking a nature trail when a tiger blocks the path up ahead, tigers presage stuff in my dreams every few years. so we turned around before the tiger could see us and we took a different path.
the path went past a lonely house.
the tour guide, some fat guy, said it was abandoned.
i didn’t know we had a tour guide till after the tiger.
we went thru a turnstyle i think.
i forget how i lost my daughter but i broke into the abandoned house to find the tour guide, it was as if he put the tiger on the path earlier.
i woke up. and fell back to sleep.
he had a trapdoor in a room that led past the tiger trap, some how i found it with him chasing me. anyway, i found my daughter safe, dealt with the tourguide and his minion and we enjoyed the long walk home.
i woke up.
the end?
i just went to my letterbox and found what looks like my lost pouch of tobacco (they all look alike) with a note saying it’s from my neighbour, David.
David happens to be on a paedophile charge but he doesn’t know that i know.
too many coincidences?
food for thought.


(new) i wonder

deep from the mind
come rhymes
and prose
from Bog knows where
maybe jacob’s ladder stairs.
there are clues to the acute truths.
those that we share.
that strip us bare.
poetry a flow of thought
you and me we count as naught.
parasites in paradise.
even the wise have known vice
at some time in their life.
the search for knowledge that brings truth and bliss.
if a truth is “That Which Exists”… *
isn’t the truth all around us?
with only five senses i’m tempted to say that i fail to feel it
but it niggles n tickles in a fickle fashion.
maybe the truth is rationed within a vibration.
the pulse of permanence.
*quote taken from Mahatma Ghandi book Truth is God, God is Truth

(new) heart of the clown

the heart of the clown
is oft upside down.
he hides his hurt
with bursts of madness
to conceal the sadness
that he feels within.
he paints his grin, thick.
we all know it’s a trick
like a bald man with a wig
throwing midgets out of cars
a reprieve from his scars,
painted tears that never fall from his face
are his one saving grace in that place.
the big top won’t stop for him to cry
no matter how he tries,
so he hides his eyes in a custard pie.

ramble in the jangle (new)

bhagavan badman i know what i am.
i jus’ wish i had the faintest plan.
some think i’m good, because they are bad.
some think i’m bad because they are good.
some think i’m crazy because it takes one to know one
or because i hide my eyes from their prying warped minds or sane brains.

i wish i had the courage of my conviction
to live my life without contradiction.

i’ll have a tin of tartan paint.”
said the sparse and spartan saint
who knew a thing or two about the blues ‘n’
this and that with a faith to match that was intact.

it’s easy being modest when we have fuck all
so wait and see when the curtain falls
who’s the clever ones and
who is the fool. only the meek will rule.
even those that have nothing have something to lose.
i call this the Ramble in the Jangle Blues.
nothing lasts forever i repeat to myself.
not in this material realm of His breath.
everyone fears getting put back on the shelf.

the shelf and yourself.

forever and ever amen.
but nothing lasts forever
if i can just believe.
wipe my dry eyes with a wet sleeve,
thankful my daughter isn’t here to see.
swings and roundabouts
what goes up must come down .
who likes to see a grown man down?
stand up and be the clown!
oh the grand family of Brown,
how they oft do like to frown,
and just as they reach for the top of the crop
they are beaten down again.

*don’t worry people, things aren’t as bad as they read. even if they are, life goes on 🙂 x

(new) this and that

Parts one and two and three

have i neglected You?
a lack of Dharma brings Kharma calling with a cause.
have i neglected You?
a deficit of Dharma causes Kharma to come calling.
have i neglected You?
Kharma is efficient where Dharma is deficient.

do i treat You any different than You are used to?
constant Kharma takes its toll.
they say that ignorance is bliss.
but once kissed you can’t resist.
Misquote by rote;
“By My causeless mercy, all that you own shall be stripped away, that you may see Me.”

she’s eight, her mum chose her name, it’s a nice one 🙂
i got to choose her middle name, and in the maternity room, looking out the window during a quiet moment, i saw it out there in front of me, just as the sun was rising.
Her middle name’s April Blossom 🙂
i never expected to become a dad before the age of thirty, the norns weave patterns that we can’t always understand.
i especially didn’t foresee becoming a single father, after all, who does?
Lady Luck played me a strange hand during our child’s first birthday week, we split up each angry with the other and i had two choices in mind.
three months before i had met a Krsna devotee in town, after speaking and learning a little i bought two hardback books for £2 and
in one of them is the misquote i have shared with you.
i had a dream two months prior to this that warned of the same possibility of heavy loss.
so i had two choices; either accept the message and become a Krsna devotee in Watford, or, fight for the right to raise our child.
i spoke with my family and close friends who understand my eccentricities and they all agreed that i shouldn’t become the stranger that my own father is.
after a month i had made up my mind and met with her mum, reasoned with her, and she softened. 🙂
ever since, these last 7 years or so, i’ve been (sole) soul carer of our child.
people tell me that i must be proud but in truth, i’m scared of pride.
there is no time for pride, only time for learning and teaching and enjoying.
learning my short comings and strengths as a parent and man. that i may improve.
depression of all kinds is a common trait on both sides of my family, faiths of various kinds can be found in my mother’s father’s family, and i have inherited all this in abundance, so being a single father of a beautiful girl is a blessing unlooked for, an anchor in a sea of uncertainty.
she is learning about religion in school at the moment and as you can guess, i try to share my thoughts in a child friendly way. which on the whole is a success,
i tell her that nobody can know anything for certain.
but some people think this
some people think that
and i think the other.
even atheists are faithful, only that they haven’t put their faith in any god.
i want her to have her own ideas, which she does. 🙂
i want my child to become an adult with a passion for knowledge as opposed to ignorance, knowledge both spiritual & material.
she is about to start learning Polish during lunchtimes 🙂 lucky girl, i had to learn french, hehehehehehe.
i try to teach her things that are important to me, we go looking for wild fruits, i’ve taken her hunting, we’ve visited Open Forest days where you can plant saplings, cycled miles upon miles of quiet and busy roads, whether on my bike or her own.
we’ve camped by John Bunyan’s birthplace during the height of summer, only to survive a freezing cold thunder and lightning storm under a flimsy tent.
she’s endured the freezing cold walks from ours to her mums, the detours around flooded areas with more realisation than most adults,
she inspires me with her young thoughts. 🙂

chaos is in the pattern
that we cannot see