Tag Archives: thoughts

(new) heart of the clown

the heart of the clown
is oft upside down.
he hides his hurt
with bursts of madness
to conceal the sadness
that he feels within.
he paints his grin, thick.
we all know it’s a trick
like a bald man with a wig
throwing midgets out of cars
a reprieve from his scars,
painted tears that never fall from his face
are his one saving grace in that place.
the big top won’t stop for him to cry
no matter how he tries,
so he hides his eyes in a custard pie.

ramble in the jangle (new)

bhagavan badman i know what i am.
i jus’ wish i had the faintest plan.
some think i’m good, because they are bad.
some think i’m bad because they are good.
some think i’m crazy because it takes one to know one
or because i hide my eyes from their prying warped minds or sane brains.

i wish i had the courage of my conviction
to live my life without contradiction.

i’ll have a tin of tartan paint.”
said the sparse and spartan saint
who knew a thing or two about the blues ‘n’
this and that with a faith to match that was intact.

it’s easy being modest when we have fuck all
so wait and see when the curtain falls
who’s the clever ones and
who is the fool. only the meek will rule.
even those that have nothing have something to lose.
i call this the Ramble in the Jangle Blues.
nothing lasts forever i repeat to myself.
not in this material realm of His breath.
everyone fears getting put back on the shelf.

the shelf and yourself.

forever and ever amen.
but nothing lasts forever
if i can just believe.
wipe my dry eyes with a wet sleeve,
thankful my daughter isn’t here to see.
swings and roundabouts
what goes up must come down .
who likes to see a grown man down?
stand up and be the clown!
oh the grand family of Brown,
how they oft do like to frown,
and just as they reach for the top of the crop
they are beaten down again.

*don’t worry people, things aren’t as bad as they read. even if they are, life goes on 🙂 x

(new) this and that

Parts one and two and three

have i neglected You?
a lack of Dharma brings Kharma calling with a cause.
have i neglected You?
a deficit of Dharma causes Kharma to come calling.
have i neglected You?
Kharma is efficient where Dharma is deficient.

do i treat You any different than You are used to?
constant Kharma takes its toll.
they say that ignorance is bliss.
but once kissed you can’t resist.
Misquote by rote;
“By My causeless mercy, all that you own shall be stripped away, that you may see Me.”

she’s eight, her mum chose her name, it’s a nice one 🙂
i got to choose her middle name, and in the maternity room, looking out the window during a quiet moment, i saw it out there in front of me, just as the sun was rising.
Her middle name’s April Blossom 🙂
i never expected to become a dad before the age of thirty, the norns weave patterns that we can’t always understand.
i especially didn’t foresee becoming a single father, after all, who does?
Lady Luck played me a strange hand during our child’s first birthday week, we split up each angry with the other and i had two choices in mind.
three months before i had met a Krsna devotee in town, after speaking and learning a little i bought two hardback books for £2 and
in one of them is the misquote i have shared with you.
i had a dream two months prior to this that warned of the same possibility of heavy loss.
so i had two choices; either accept the message and become a Krsna devotee in Watford, or, fight for the right to raise our child.
i spoke with my family and close friends who understand my eccentricities and they all agreed that i shouldn’t become the stranger that my own father is.
after a month i had made up my mind and met with her mum, reasoned with her, and she softened. 🙂
ever since, these last 7 years or so, i’ve been (sole) soul carer of our child.
people tell me that i must be proud but in truth, i’m scared of pride.
there is no time for pride, only time for learning and teaching and enjoying.
learning my short comings and strengths as a parent and man. that i may improve.
depression of all kinds is a common trait on both sides of my family, faiths of various kinds can be found in my mother’s father’s family, and i have inherited all this in abundance, so being a single father of a beautiful girl is a blessing unlooked for, an anchor in a sea of uncertainty.
she is learning about religion in school at the moment and as you can guess, i try to share my thoughts in a child friendly way. which on the whole is a success,
i tell her that nobody can know anything for certain.
but some people think this
some people think that
and i think the other.
even atheists are faithful, only that they haven’t put their faith in any god.
i want her to have her own ideas, which she does. 🙂
i want my child to become an adult with a passion for knowledge as opposed to ignorance, knowledge both spiritual & material.
she is about to start learning Polish during lunchtimes 🙂 lucky girl, i had to learn french, hehehehehehe.
i try to teach her things that are important to me, we go looking for wild fruits, i’ve taken her hunting, we’ve visited Open Forest days where you can plant saplings, cycled miles upon miles of quiet and busy roads, whether on my bike or her own.
we’ve camped by John Bunyan’s birthplace during the height of summer, only to survive a freezing cold thunder and lightning storm under a flimsy tent.
she’s endured the freezing cold walks from ours to her mums, the detours around flooded areas with more realisation than most adults,
she inspires me with her young thoughts. 🙂

chaos is in the pattern
that we cannot see

123. (new) Bliss Is Short-lived

bliss is short-lived
in this material realm
take what you can
and give aswell.
treasure your pleasures
for as long as they last
try not to regret or forget
you are made of your past
i can’t be arsed, i’ve lost my mask.
my face is revealed, unconcealed
love will congeal if you let it.
even if you don’t.
i’m getting off this throne.
future is unknown
so treasure your pleasures
live them as if they’re the last
to come past.
but don’t drown them with your deeps
your fears and lack of sleeps
for bliss is short-lived.

the devil does not exist

when i write of God (which is fairly often), i think of Krishna.
it’s difficult to find words that express the unknowable, the unprovable.
i’m not saying He exists, rather that i’m sure he does exist.
how can we give a name to the unknowable and unprovable? that which is beyond our senses and yet can be sensed by some?
one day i was annoyed by God and his law of nature (the nature of this planet) so i told him (i’ve told this story in it’s longer version a few months ago), promised to read his book properly if only he would stop the wind.
The gale force wind stopped.
so i bought an old bible and read it.
afterwoulds i told Him that i disagreed with it and that i had held my barter with him.
not long after i was introduced to Bhakti, which means Love and i was hooked, finally something that has an answer for everything, even if it’s a little difficult to comprehend with these material five senses.
i truly believe that these things happened due to my bargaining with God on that windy day.

i’ve always believed there is a God, i jus had to find him.
i’ve never believed in the devil.
nor that Jesus was the Son Of God. he may have been an avatar in much the same way as Buddha was.

everything that is not part of God is temporary, even the gods who, in the Christian tradition, may be thought of as angels i guess.
there is a story that Brahma was pretending to be God, so God absorbed him or something,
Brahma may be likened to the Norn who spins the thread of life and for a while there was no Brahma.
there was no soul great enough to become the new Brahma and so Krishna himself out of love became Brahma for a while.
i don’t believe that God in his infinite Truth Knowledge & Bliss would consign his souls to damnation.

i’m being harrased by household and parenting duties, may continue this later.

King James Bible, printed and bound in Bond St, London 1825 and possibly owned by a distant relative of mine.

Krishna and His Śrīmad Bhāgavatam

118 (new) struggling to see the sense of it all

i wanna write ryhmes…
lines after lines…
rack ’em up like cocaine
that’s been drained from my veins.
write about love or lust…
pain or drugs…
of God and the lies
that surround emotional bribes.
i’ve been struggling for days.
“wanna read a book?” they say.
“come to church and pray.”
“Sunday School is cool.”
“learn how to fear that salvation is near.”
“get ready for Love from Him who is above.”
“too young to understand? let me give you a hand.”
“Colour in this comic, fill in the missing words,”
“Satan wants the universe.”
Can’t they see that God alone is?
“I am He who exists”

originally writing one word at a time, struggling to find rhymes, i remember a pamphlet i read round a friends house whose kids go to sunday school.
Watchtower (for kids)
it used the bible to scare children into love of God.
i am disgusted.
on the back is a selection of quotes, coloured in by random children, this one by Tom aged six, that one by Sally aged nine.
the top row all feature famous quotes that start with ‘Fear Ye’
Lucky for Watchtower, the parents can’t read, but i can. i should have took a picture. hopefully they haven’t thrown their childrens pamphlets away so that i Can get the photo.
my daughter asked if she can go sunday school with her friend but anyone who propagates Godliness with fear is on a losing battle with me.
In my opinion, God is Love, and love can not be bought with fear!
If someone believes in the beauty of God, they should not use fear to persuade children.
on the same subject, why christen a child, all children are innocent, i’m sure i read Jesus say so in my own home bible. (i’m not a christian but i love reading)
yes original sin may be argued but didn’t Jesus say that children are innocent?
if they die innocent then they will go to heaven. God doesn’t need a list of names. He is all-knowing.
I’m fed up with seeing children being used as pawns in this material fight over spiritual souls.